He’s got moves like curly

Orr

Some movies are made and forgotten some are so good they make a second (third, IV, revenge of, or dreaded vs.) and some achieve godhead status, their seed spread across the multiverse. These influential movies have vestiges of their very existence traceable through a lineage of anything from stylistic choices, to storytelling devices, to broader fare like soundtracking or even lighting. Though many great movies have their fingerprints on the history of cinema, so too we can find unfortunate turns in the form when we get bad actors. You know how you probably have an uncle or a friend that somehow gets people in the sack? This uncle or friend is not the absolute worst but you are astounded by his apparent prowess in the areas of "romance". It's OK, these things happen, it doesn't mean you're never gonna score, there's plenty of fish in the sea. I know, I know, it doesn't seem fair. While you are sitting home watching TV with mom, we have this lecherous hulk shambling around the countryside creating it's progeny. I, of course, am talking about the movie Marathon Man starring Dustin Hoffman, Sir Lawrence Olivier and Roy Scheider. Marathon Man has been quite busy in my estimation, quite busy indeed, siring offspring all up in here. While some of its children have a reputable character (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and The Shining) far more of its brood have unfortunate characteristics that belie the nature of genetics way of perpetuating the dominant genes of the sire (The Crow, Wolverine, Tim Burton's Batmen).

Marathon Man is a movie I had heard of but never bothered to watch even though I've always found that title intriguing. The opening scene shows Ethiopian marathoner Abebe Bikila running in a black and white film, I assume from his Olympic victory. My interest at minute one is high. A) I have no idea what this movie is even about (a rarity these days), and B)Historical footage flickering on the wall of some dude running is not exactly a setup that I would envision, so points for artistic direction. It quickly descends down a rabbit hole of inexplicable shots of clandestine affairs and meetings none wholly or satisfactorily explained. A wizened old man retrieves a band aid box from a safe deposit box, which can be assumed is storing some sort of booty. Upon exiting the bank he hands the band aids to a headless man we learn later to be Henry Levy played by Roy Scheider. We see the old man driving down the street in a Mercedes that is on its last leg.  Now he is getting into it with a real New Yorker, for his Mercedes has stalled on a narrow street. This New Yorker just got some bad news from a mechanic and is in no mood for immobile German immigrants. The name calling starts with vile epithets ranging from kraut to nazi (both of which are later revealed to be true but nonetheless you can’t judge a man by the car he drives). And where does a yelling match usually end in New York I ask you? It almost always ends in a highish speed chase down the narrows of Manhattan with two senior citizens engulfed in a fireball as they broadside a slowly reversing oil tanker. They say your reflexes slow with age. Truth be told this opening action reminded me a bit of the TV show The Streets of San Francisco or really any episode of C.H.i P.s.

Early on we find Thomas Levy (Dustin Hoffman) running alongside the Jackie Onassis Reservoir in Central Park. He is apparently into running and is in training to one day do a full marathon. We get a sense of his self esteem when a jock passes him and Thomas feels the need to keep up with this beefcake. The film enters a weird moment where it almost seems as if there is something on the line and jocko is legitimately afraid of this mousy dude chasing him down, like Rain Man is going to do anything. We learn later that Thomas is thought of as a creep by the local element in his neighborhood who razz him every time he arrives home. To further cast shade on the nature of Thomas, he hits on some fraulein while studying at the library, not only stealing her book but following her home, not only following her home but not taking no for an answer and jamming his foot in her front door, then following her up to her apartment door where he finally gets that date he wanted. I felt accosted.

Meanwhile in France, Henry Levy is doing something with that bandaid box, he just has to be. Whoah, he is stuffing it in a box of chocolates that he is then giving to some portly Frenchman in an antique shop. The portly fellow offers to meet him at the opera that night to get Henry his payment.  Between the music score and an asian man with one milky eye looking all menacing playing pinball we get the sense that gay Paris is in for some serious shitstorms. Indeed there are clouds abrewing as baby carriage bombs and slit throat opera antics demonstrate that Henry Levy is indeed embroiled in some sort of mischief, we just don't understand where all the haters be at. Henry finds himself alone at 9 PM outside the opera in Paris and there is not a soul in sight. Right here is where we get a scene later used by Kubrick in the Shining. Henry sees his point of contact, a woman who I guess works with Henry though this is a tenuous understanding as we don't really know what Henry does other than his edible arrangements as a chocolatier. He bids her to move along as it is unsafe out here at the opera. She disappears into some darkness and we hear some muffled sounds. She is probably dead but I never got to meet her so I don't really care. Then inexplicably, a football (soccer ball) comes bouncing out of that darkness. It is creepy but maybe because I have already seen the Shining and have some loaded imagery already in mind. Anyways, Henry isn't feeling up to a game of football, having not dealt with his own childhood and his fathers untimely death during the Red Scare, so he runs like a pussy. Anyways, the milky eyed Asian man shows up to Henry's hotel the next morning, garrote in hand(s), to fuck Henry's continental breakfast sideways. Somehow he sneaks in this guys room out onto the balcony to choke his ass out but, some quick thinking by the American saves the day. Until writing two sentences from now I didn't realize what an impact American television had on our character of Henry Levy. I find that feeling connected to a main character in a movie is really important, as we like to understand their motives and desires, what sculpted them into who they are today. Henry Levy was profoundly influenced by Curly, there are no two ways about it. Yes, the Curly from the Three Stooges. He pulled one straight out of Curly's playbook. Just like Curly defending the dreaded double eye poke administered by Moe we have Henry Levy quickly reacting to the garrote coming around his neck by putting his hand up in the same fashion to "protect yo neck" if you will. TV wasn't all mind rot.

At some point there will be plot is what I almost always say, so even though the director wanted nothing to do with such a trifling thing we finally get a glimpse of, wait for it...Paraguay! Ah Paraguay a place where any Nazi war criminal can hide away unfettered by war tribunals and other unpleasantries. And here the Great Sir Lawrence Olivier makes his Oscar worthy appearance. He plays a man named Dr. Christian Szell aka der Weisse Engel or the White Angel, a WWII Nazi who sent many to die in concentration camps all the while stealing diamonds and gold from those who perished. Altogether a P.O.S. Well anyways, that dude that died in the fireball at the beginning (the one in the Mercedes not Buick) was this Nazi's brother and now that he is all burnt up he can no longer tend to the banking affairs of this Nazi-dontist (he is a dentist not a real doctor). Which brings us to the Coming to America portion of this movie. This sections bears little resemblance to the Eddie Murphy vehicle other than the parallel of rich powerful men coming to the USA, one to find a queen in queens one to find his gems in the big apple. At this point I guess we understand that Szell is afraid his diamonds will be stolen (we never find out how that would happen) so he needs to personally retrieve said gems. Szell shows up to JFK and there are two dudes (his henchmen) waiting for him. These two had already mugged Thomas Levy and his Swiss girlfriend in central park a couple scenes prior. It definitely is not a normal day in New York when two older men in three piece suits punch out a man and woman on a stroll. It definitely looked stupid. Henry Levy comes back  to see his younger brother by breaking into his apartment while he is sleeping. It is now known to the viewer that Henry works for some CIA type group that is either helping ferry diamonds to this war criminal or is trying to stop the ferrying of diamonds. Either way his younger brother thinks his elder works in the oil business. Big brother takes Thomas and his newly acquired girlfriend to some fancy digs where ties are needed and proceeds to acquaint himself with this girlfriend Else.  Through some tricks and feigned knowledge of Switzerland he catches Else in some lies regarding her life prior to NYC. Never admit to knowing a famous ski instructor! That is rule number one in the Klutz: How to be a Spy book. He utterly ruins fancy lunch with that fiasco but I guess its cool because he was paying, but his brother is bummed. Henry understands that Szell somehow placed this woman before his brother so as to have leverage on him. Seems a longshot but I guess it worked. So there is a meeting between Szell and Henry near some futuristic fountain in New York where they are to discuss the diamonds or maybe the plot up until now, but before you know it SNIKT!, old Szell wolverines the hell out of Henry's guts.  He has some retractable stiletto device on his forearm, that fuckin bastard. And from that we get at least two or three Wolverine movies. Thanks a lot Marathon Man. By the by, this should have come as no surprise to us the viewer as earlier when on the airplane we see the old Nazi attaching a thick manacle to his own wrist which at the time seemed out of place but now that we see the utilitarian use of such a device it neatly buttons up that screwball scene.

Goddamn it, Henry isn't dead and somehow shambles across NYC with his intestines all hangin on the outside. After no small effort he comes to his brothers door looking pretty shabby. He winds up croaking then and there, no mysterious words or cryptic warnings, just plain old regular dead. The police show up as well as Henry's partner (and in the book version homosexual lover) named Peter Janeway. Peter tries to press Thomas for any extra info he may have left out and reveals his hand as well that big brother there on the floor is somewhat of a bigshot spy/assassin/diamond toter. Peter reveals that whoever killed his brother will probably come for Thomas next. Lo and behold that very night those sneaky fuckers break into his house and proceed to kidnap his sorry ass to the lair of a one Dr Szell. Remember, evil never rests. On a little tangent, we need to get better locks up in this movie as there have been at least three break-ins up till now. Just saying. You live in crime riddled Manhattan and you cant throw a deadbolt on your door. C'mon.

So now we get to the meat of the story. This is the scene that spawned in the very least No Country for Old Men and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Szell comes over the top with the infamous "Is it safe?" line. Poor Thomas doesn’t know what the fuck this crazy dentist is talking about. I am an admitted anti-dentite so I was a tad on edge as Szell proceeded to do an oral check up on his patient. At first it seemed cool, he was outright friendly but I got the sense that this wasn't going the novocaine route. Well, Szell gives him the ol' bicuspid blitzschlaffen, sending Thomas into a pain cave I care not to think upon. Even torturers need a break so they take ten to get the juices going again. In this respite we see Peter Janeway sneaking in to save the day, stabbing one of the two cronies and shooting the other as they make an escape from Szell D.D.S. Good. I couldn't stand to see another second of malpractice by this "doctor". Janeway and our hero go careening through the desolate streets of New York, Again Janeway pressing about why these dudes once chasing him are now torturing him. Thomas. clearly bewildered and bedraggled offers nothing new in the way of enlightenment regarding whatever it is we should be caring about. The main thing I care about is getting away from that dentist, I the viewer don't care one wit whatsoever about this thing that Thomas may or may not know. Lo and behold Janeway is a conniving sonofabitch, the fucker just went around the block trying to good cop Thomas when he was in on "it" the whole time. This move was later plagiarized by Ramsay "the Bastard" Bolton to really ruin Theon Greyjoy's day in that one show. He also fake killed those toughs so it is still at least 4 against one, I don't like those odds. Also, count me in as fooled. But Thomas sees the writing all too clearly as well, having gone through his first checkup. This time the doctor sees fit to drill straight into one of my mans good teeth. God, this film gave us torture porn gems like Saw and Hostel no doubt. Side note, many minutes of the torture scene were removed because San Franciscan test audiences are pansies. I am not sure where we are in the film but lets say the seventh inning and my boy makes his escape and makes good on the name of this lousy film. He starts outrunning these goofs though Janeway gives him a run for his money. Admittedly I know nothing of New York in the 70's and do I feel like it was kinds hellhole-ish but in his run from the baddies not to mention nearly every other night scene in this film there is nary a human soul to help much less bare witness to the events. I mean these dudes run for blocks upon blocks in New York City and it is an absolute ghost town. This is a great place to throw a punch at The Crow and its ultrasucky adherence to a vision of unlivable near post apocalyptic ruins that in daylight hours are bustling. Actually,it's always a good time to throw a punch at The Crow. I guarantee that the director of The Crow loved Marathon Man. With the villains kicking rocks, Thomas calls his main squeeze for a little help. They find there way maybe upstate to get some vacay time in at a "friends" place.  Turns out this woman is not who Thomas thought she was but rather another agent of the nefarious Szell. God who isn't. working for this Nazi?  We get a Mexican standoff type situation which in the end leaves everyone except Thomas dead. It was extremely anticlimactic but Janeway ends up shooting one of the cronies and the girlfriend which is a little bewildering. All the while, Szell is in the diamond district just kicking the tires at vendors seeing how much diamonds cost in the big city. He gets recognized by two separate Auschwitz survivors one of who unfortunately seems like a crazy old lady yelling in the street and another who cannot quite place the "White Angel". The woman gets hit by a Taxi which draws everyone's attention as Szell does a Hugh Jackman on the other guys throat. We now come to the part where Szell goes to his lockbox, which he had the key to the whole time! They full on Scrooge McDuck the hell out of the moment when Szell opens a canister of oats that is full of almond sized diamonds. He practically bathes himself in the riches and there are drawn out moments of his shitting eating grin shot through the prisms of the diamonds  Szell leaves the bank, diamonds in tow when he hears someone say "Are they safe?". Shoe is on the other foot now bitch. Thomas with a gun in his pocket marches Szell to Central Park eventually landing in some Tim Burtonesque water pump station where the finale is just begging to be shot. Szell , although charismatic, has kinda spoiled his chances of sweet talkin' his way out of this situation what with the unnecessary dental procedures prior, is obviously trying to get himself within stabbing range. Thomas, doesn't really seem to know what he wants to do with Szell, so he makes him eat the diamonds which I thought was a nice touch. Eventually Szell leaps after falling diamonds and impales himself on his own blasted sleeve knife falling into the pristine waters of the central park water system.  

I honestly cannot stop thinking about this movie, but not in a good way. It isn't made clear why nearly any character is doing the things that they are doing. The whole first half of the movie is a flat out mess of forced intrigue that probably could be fixed with but a sentence or two spoken by any one of the characters. It is beyond preposterous to believe that a Nazi war criminal hiding in Paraguay with a brother living in New York does not know the price of diamonds yet knows the names of top secret CIA agents. If Szell couldn't trust anyone other than his brother to take care of his banking, then what good are having henchmen? Why did  Szell's brother give the diamonds to Henry Levy who then gave them to the Frenchman? What was Henry going to get in return?  Frankly I'd rather go to the dentist than even think about this movie a second longer.